


Both Ways

by orchidbreezefc



Series: Both Ways [1]
Category: New X-Men: Academy X, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Coercive Surgery, Gore, Internalized Anti-Intersex Sentiment, Intersex Character, M/M, Medical Abuse, Medical Phobia, Mild Anti-Trans/Queer/Intersex Sentiment, Nudity, Profanity, Trans Male Character, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4069552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidbreezefc/pseuds/orchidbreezefc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>White Coat Syndrome <i>(n.), inf</i>: a phenomenon describing a feeling of anxiety in a medical environment or around doctors or medical workers. Often related to former experiences of medically-sanctioned abuse.</p><p>Apparently extends to healers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [freedomworm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/freedomworm/gifts), [Pikachunicorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikachunicorn/gifts).



> So, this fic has been in development hell for literally a year (I wrote it last June) because I needed someone definitively intersex to look over it and make sure it wasn't horribly offensive or out of bounds for me to write about. Long story short, two betas fell through, then a dear friend actually came out to me to help, which was incredibly brave and kind. They told me they actually identified with the experiences in the fic, which is the highest praise I could have imagined. I'm so grateful to them for finally making this possible, and for being a super wonderful friend. <3
> 
> I also owe a lot to [Andi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Thescratchman), for ensuring that I would have the last thing I expected when I wrote this: an audience for this ship. I appreciate all their hard work; if you like this fic, please go check out their writing. They’ve written some real gems. 
> 
> Note: I consider Julian and Cessily to be queerplatonic, though they wouldn’t have access to the language to label it as such, especially not at the times this fic is set--which is a couple time frames, but largely just after Julian saves Laura from Nimrod, so you have a few references to Julian’s telekinetic abilities being on the fritz.
> 
> Chapter warnings: injuries (including shooting), possible homophobia, and self harm kind of not really. Sounds like a really scary fic, but it’s not, promise.

The first time Josh goes to heal Julian, who has badly sprained his ankle, he approaches with the mindlessly reflexive duty of an assigned healer. It's much to his surprise that Julian screams and fights him with human ferocity until he remembers his telekinesis and pushes him off that way. Elixir is infuriated, plus gets a swollen eye for his trouble. He can get rid of it in the mirror, of course, but it's the principle of the thing. He keeps mumbling, "'m a goddamn healer--fucking helping you."

Julian doesn't let him make any attempt to heal him any time through recovering, though Josh is too offended to extend very much goodwill. It's odd though--Julian never particularly appreciated being touched, but he relaxes a little about Foley being close once he is sourly told that he doesn't even want to heal Julian since he's being a jackass.

The truth is, after what the doctors did to him as a kid, Julian hates it all: doctors, nurses, hospitals, labcoats. And a medical worker is basically what Josh Foley is. Julian has no plans to let Foley heal him, ever.

And then he gets shot.

It's stupid, really. Some fucking bigots with guns and a school full of mutants. Julian gets distracted from shielding for one second trying to get some younger kids to safety and bam, he takes one in the thigh.

He knows they have to take the bullet out. They only allow him one visitor while they get him fixed up, and he wants to say Sofia and get the shit doted out of him. But really, he knows it's entirely possible he will lose his shit the second they get him on the table chair thing, so he picks Cessily instead because he doesn't have to look good for her.

She offers her hand to squeeze before they start and he squeezes so hard he squishes her hand out of shape. He's still sweating--well, bullets--and he keeps losing his cool and barking at Dr. McCoy and trying to fight him off. They consider physically restraining him but then Cess, the lifesaver that she is, suggests they bring in the pheromone girl to help take the edge off.

The girl takes a seat near Julian, polite and shy and very awkward, and works her magic. Julian relaxes despite himself and it helps a lot. It's not like he _wants_ to nearly crawl out of his skin every time there's a labcoat nearby, no matter if there are rods involved or not. His bleeding goes sluggish as his heart rate goes down and he stops fighting, so Beast can finally get to it, and he has the bullet out within the minute.

They tell Wallflower she can go as Foley approaches, and Julian looks at Cess in--not really panic but hazy concern. She understands perfectly like she always does, and reaches out and takes the girl's hand, making her jump. "Could you stay a bit longer, actually, Laurie? Just in case." The girl nods, a bit wide-eyed, and sits back down.

Foley takes a look at the wound. "Bet if it didn't make it hard to walk you'd push me right off so you could get a tough guy battle scar, huh, Julian?" he says. Julian, in an action he blames entirely on the pheromones, laughs.

"Maybe next time," Josh says, and puts his hands on Julian.

Julian watches between Foley's fingers, feels the rush of tissue reknitting as the chaos of injury resolves itself and settles into a thigh that has everything in its proper place. He feels a warm heady glow infused into the tissue, apart from what's already affecting his head. It's intoxicating. Between the pheromones and this, he hasn't felt this good in ages.

Josh's hands leave Julian and he showily wipes his brow. Julian doesn't even care when Josh pats his thigh. "Now don't do something that stupid again any time soon, dumbass."

"Who, me? I'm a one hundred percent responsible safe guy," Julian drawls. Cessily laughs.

"Well, hey. More practice for me if you get hurt. And pain builds character, so maybe it'll build you into not an asshole."

"You wish."

They smile at each other, both a little addled, and Julian (not in his right mind of course) decides Josh isn't so bad after all.

\--

The next time is after M-Day, when Vic tackles Julian during a football game and breaks his arm. Julian had still been avoiding getting help for his smaller injuries, but this one is serious enough that he can't plausibly say he's fine and walk it off without people seriously wondering what his deal is. That is, people other than Cessily, Santo, and some teachers and telepaths, who know his deal and are sworn to silence to hell and back. And of course Josh, who only knows he _has_ a deal.

Vic is apologising profusely when Foley comes running at him, but Julian can't hear over his hammering heart. He almost thinks it would be better for everyone to know than for him to face this. By the time Elixir arrives--time is all slow because of pain and adrenaline and panic--Julian is determined to back out. "Don't you touch me, Foley," he shouts. "Don't you fucking dare!"

"Julian." Josh is crouched by his side and he's staring at him. Everyone is staring. Julian is seriously losing his cool.

"Seriously, Foley, swear to fucking god if you touch me I'll give you a lot damn worse than this!"

"Julian. Dude. There's bone--it's literally sticking out--Julian." He makes a grab at Julian, who jerks away so hard he jostles his arm and howls in pain.

"Jules," says Santo, a little stunned.

Julian glances around and yells, "What are you all looking at?" Everyone takes a step back, and Cessily starts shepherding people away.

"Hey," Foley says softly. He holds his hands up to Hellion, palms out. Julian whips around to look at him, breathing hard.

Josh's golden eyes are steady on his. Julian loses track for a moment of where he is and what's going on. "Wh--Foley--"

"It's okay." Josh puts a hand on his shoulder and brushes Julian's hair back. "You're going to be all right, okay?" His voice is gentle and even, and he's still making such perfect eye contact that Hellion can't quite focus. Irises shouldn't shine like that, the shadow is all off, he can almost see his reflection--did Foley touch his hair--?

Josh gently takes Julian's wrist and runs his fingers up to his elbow. Julian hisses and tries to pull away, but Josh is already putting everything back into place. Julian's arm suffuses with warmth and pleasure, and he manages to tear his eyes off Elixir's in time to watch his wound close under Josh's fingers. The tips of them move over the healed skin as if to rub the last of the wound away.

"There," Josh says in a louder, cheerful voice that brings Julian back to earth. He thumps him on the back and grins. "Good as new." Foley grabs Julian's wrist and works his elbow back and forth. "Didn't have to get so worked up about it, did you, asshole? Didn't turn it to rubber or anything. Fixed you up twice now, so maybe you can stop flipping the fuck out every time."

Julian yanks his arm back. "Cocky douchebag. You're so full of shit."

The others approach again to take a look, and breathe sighs of relief. Hellion dusts himself off and says, louder, "Maybe I'm not dying for a chance to get manhandled, ever think of that? Not super eager to put my life in the hands of an asshole I know has a problem with me."

"Hey, it's you who has a problem with me!"

They stare each other down.

Cessily looks around at the others and sighs. "I think we're done with football today."

\--

Julian stays up late that night watching TV, finding it hard to sleep. He keeps feeling at his elbow unconsciously, and surfing channels.

He would have told Foley to fuck off, if he had heard the goddamn barefoot ninja coming.

"Hey," says Josh, dropping onto the couch beside him. The one mercy is that he doesn't say 'can't sleep?'.

Julian grunts in response. They sit for a while, Josh's eyes trained on the changing channels.

"So, what's the deal?" is Elixir's inevitable question. When Julian stays stubbornly silent, he goes on, "You don't go crazy like that on missions or anything. You keep your head and shit. But this, you start going nuts when I try to heal you." He reaches out and touches Julian's shoulder.

"The hell are you doing?"

"See? That's not panic." Foley drops his hand. "That's just you being a crusty asshole like always. So what's your deal with the healing shit that makes it so bad?"

"Seriously never ever going to tell you," says Julian. He flicks the channel back to pro wrestling.

"The Cuckoos know, right? And Miss Frost?"

"They won't tell you either," says Julian, gritting his teeth to keep his voice even.

"Seriously? The Cuckoos tell you anything you ask."

"The Cuckoos won't tell anyone because--look, it's pretty bad, all right, they figure nobody needs to know that shit."

Elixir raises his eyebrows in surprise.

"They think it's disgusting. They don't spread shit like that." Julian hunkers over his lap and stares at the TV. "Seriously."

Foley is still staring.

"Fucking stop that!" Julian barks, and nearly throws the remote at his head. "They pity me for what happened, all right? They don't even think I deserved it for being a freak or even for being an asshole, they pity me and I hate it but it means they won't tell anyone, so fucking whatever."

"Freak like a mutant?" There's empathy in Josh's eyes. His hand goes back to Julian's shoulder, and Hellion shakes him off irritably like a horse shaking flies.  
"No. Look. Just get off my back. I wasn't born normal, all right? Not even mutant shit, well, I guess mutant shit but not like capital M X-Men Mutant shit."

Josh is trying to read his face or something. Julian doesn't want to deal with it, so he continues. "Point is, my parents got me some surgery, and I was a baby so nobody asked me what I wanted, and they--my body's messed up now and my mom didn't even believe me til I was like twelve. And the doctor had still been doing, like--you don't want to know what he did. Said it was post-op follow-up stuff. But it was fucked up. It fucked me up." He stops and grits his teeth. "All right? That's as good as you're gonna get."

Josh pauses to think about it. "So like, you had webbed toes or something?"

Julian does throw the remote at him.

Foley splutters and grabs Julian by the collar. They glare daggers at each other, but neither of them wants to duke it out. Julian finally shoves Josh off and they break eye contact. The Rock piledrives some loser and the audience goes wild.

"...Could I heal it? Reverse the surgery that went wrong?" Josh finally asks.

Julian's eyes go wide. "What, you mean--could you? Undo that?"

"Maybe I could." Josh looks at him. Julian wishes he weren't as big on serious eye contact as he is, but Elixir stares him right down.

It's tempting. It really is; to start over, to even put his body the way it should be, but. "No. Not you," says Julian, looking away again. "Someone who's not you maybe I'd consider it. A hot girl I wouldn't mind putting her hands on me."

Elixir stares at him in disbelief. "If you haven't noticed, we're a little short on healing mutants, dude."

"Well forget it. It's bad enough letting you get at a broken arm, okay? Just drop it."

Foley opens his mouth to argue, and this is going in a direction Julian doesn't like, so he cuts him off. "Anyway, I think I know why Alleyne gets so many cuts and shit. For being such an anal overcautious jackass."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's an excuse to get himself healed."

Josh looks at him blankly.

Julian looks back. "Nobody ever told you? The healing is like--it's got some kind of orgasm-giving side effect."

Josh's eyes go wide and his jaw goes a little slack. He looks like an idiot. "Orgasms?"

"Whoa, dude, not like _orgasms_ orgasms." Julian leans away defensively. "It just feels good, it's not like _that_. Well, not for me. but I could see Alleyne making that association. He's kind of that way."

Josh rubs his face. "I don't even want to think about--David being--David, like, hurting himself? To get me to heal him?"

"No. More like maybe he's just a little risky, careless. Or takes all the dangerous jobs around here. I don't know, man," Julian says, crossing his arms, "Anybody who dates Ashida is probably a kinky freak on some level."

"Well, he is dating her now, which means he's not being weird with me." Foley crosses his arms back and hunches defensively. "Jesus."

"Whatever you say, bro." Julian changes the channel to Mythbusters, because they would have to actually pay attention to it and stop talking. And then for reasons unbeknownst to himself, he switches it to halfway through some gory adult anime.

They watch a guy's hands get cut off with a samurai sword, and then his head.

"So is the uh--the pleasure thing. Is that going to make this easier or harder, in the future?"

"This?"

"Me healing you and/or you flipping out." Elixir looks over at him. "Does the pleasure make it better or worse?"

Julian stares back at him. "I don't think I'm going to answer that."

"No, seriously!" Josh leans earnestly over.

"That's fucking weird as hell, dude--"

"Oh come on, don't be a baby, you know what I mean--"

"Easier, okay. It makes it--Jesus--there's just something to look forward to about it. Okay? Fuckin' a."

They stare at each other in silence. Julian irritably looks away.

"Well. Good," says Josh finally. He leans back into the couch. "That's good."

They say nothing and don't look at each other. Finally Julian runs his hands through his hair. "Go to bed, Foley."

"Nah," Josh says, tilting his head toward the ceiling. "I can't sleep either. Maybe we could play a game."

"A game?"

Josh looks back at him. "You got any Pokémon cards?"

If Julian smiles, it's only in anticipation of the asskicking Josh is going to receive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> David doesn't actually get hurt a lot, don't worry. Julian has some strange ideas in his head :P
> 
> There are four chapters of this, but I'll be posting them individually so everybody can soak it in--also, cards on the table, to give me the biggest chance of getting reviews. So if you want faster updates, please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, thanks for all the kind feedback so far! I got actually more a lot faster than I was expecting, even as hard as I was plugging it. Seems that everyone loves mutant teens as much as I do, and is satisfied with the level of sensitivity things have been treated with so far (which is good because it’s coming through the lens of, let’s be real, a pair of giant assholes). Among other encouraging little notes. Thanks! Here’s the next bit, a little bit earlier than planned, as promised. :D
> 
> So, here we go. This chapter contains the largest portion of dealing with being intersex as far as this fic will go. Before I make any assumptions about people's level of knowledge going into this: yes, all the 'procedures' Julian describes in this chapter are actually things doctors do to intersex children, even as standard procedure, even (especially!) in places like Beverly Hills. Julian essentially just lays out the basic facts, so hopefully this chapter will be only minimally upsetting, but there’s no getting around the facts themselves being pretty evil.
> 
> Warnings: nudity, injuries, gendered slurs, possible homophobia, internalized anti-intersex sentiment, dysphoria, not the most sensitive people in the world, not the most sensitive questions in the world, and discussion of medical abuse (specifically coercive surgery and dilation).

Julian wakes up the next morning to the sound of Santo bumping into things and picking up and putting down the objects piled on his bed and the surrounding floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for my big towel," Santo says, looking under an oversized football jersey. "I'm going to go hit the showers."

"Lock the door when you go out, I still have to change," Julian yawns, rubbing at his eyes and sitting up. "Wait, the showers? The group showers?"

"Yeah."

Julian stares over at him. "We have our own shower, Santo. Some kids would kill for that. Vic has literally been begging to switch with you to room here, but I said no."

"Is that a homophobic thing?" asks Santo, scratching where an ear might be and making a horrible sound. "Borkowski's all right, man."

Julian sighs irritably. "No, Santo." He gestures to his own crotch. "Intersex. Vagina. Secret. Remember?"

"Oh."

Before Santo can say anything more about it, Julian continues, "You don't even need showers. You'll get sediment in the drains."

"It's a group bonding activity!" Santo defends, actually picking up one end of his bed to look under it.

"It's stupid," says Julian flatly.

"You're just jelly you can't come with."

"Fuck you!" Julian shouts, and then runs his hand down his face to compose himself before Santo can think to apologize and embarrass them both. "I am the opposite of jealous," he continues more calmly, "that you have the opportunity to watch Alleyne and Foley ogle each other."

"It's not like that, dude," Santo says passionately. "It's bro stuff."

"Whatever. I don't want to hear about your awesome orgy parties I can't go to," Julian mutters, turning around and swinging his feet out of bed.

"Jules--"

"I'm serious, drop it," Julian growls, searching for socks. "This isn't a good time for the body shit with me. After the fuckin' thing with Foley and the football yesterday--"

"Oh. You did that because of your messed-up junk thing?"

"Don't call it that, you horse's ass--"

"He's not a doctor, though," Santo says blankly.

"I know that, you think I don't know that?" Julian telekinetically drags the sock drawer open, and it comes open so fast the wood creaks worryingly.

"Because you really lost it back there--"

"Just go," Julian growls as the drawer starts to rattle.

He gets his socks as he listens to Santo leave, and then gets out of bed. On his way to the bathroom he walks past Santo's towel halfway tucked into a drawer and rolls his eyes. He brushes his teeth, with his hands just in case. Then he combs his hair, stares into the mirror, and messes it up again.

He's seriously not in a mood to be naked with himself and his shitty equipment right now. He considers not changing his underwear at all so he doesn't have to look, but he sweated himself to hell from pain and fear yesterday. Plus if he skips the shower it'll be crusty and nasty as fuck down there.

It's just all too much body shit he needs to take his mind off. He goes and puts on his headphones and plays himself the loudest music he has. He floats the player in the air while he hunts for his clothes. He finds a shirt that doesn't smell too bad and puts it on.

The door opens behind him. "Towel's in the dresser," Julian shouts. Santo says something, so he points to his headphones. 

Rockslide continues talking. "I'm not listening, bro," Julian shouts, finally getting his hands on a pair of boxers. "Close the damn door." 

He hears the door close, and Santo keeps fucking talking while he strips off his shorts, and Julian really doesn't need this today. He yanks his headphones off. "God damn it, I told you I was having a tough time with the body shit, why don't you ever fucking respect--"

He turns around with his boxers in his hand and freezes. Before him, Josh Foley stands holding a Mewtwo card. Behind Elixir is Santo, who has re-opened the door, and is halfway through a motion to grab Foley and pull him out of the room.

"SANTO! I TOLD YOU TO LOCK THE DOOR!"

"I know. But then we were talking and--I forgot," he says, in a voice that makes it clear that for once he realizes how bad he fucked up.

Julian screams and telekinetically throws them both into the hallway and through the wall, then slams the door.

He stands and tries to breathe. He drops his music player to the floor and pulls his shorts all the way on. What the hell is he going to do? How can he fix this?

Damage control. Make sure it doesn't spread. That's the first thing he has to do. No time for panic.

He bursts out of his room again and glares at Josh as he climbs to his feet in the clearing dust. Santo coughs on the floor.

"Are you fixed up yet?" Julian asks impatiently.

"I'm fine now," Foley says bitterly, rather winded still, looking up at him. Black spots dance agitatedly across his skin now that he's done healing. His shirt is bloodstained. "Fuck you, by the way. You could have killed me."

"You had Santo to cushion your fall," Julian says unsympathetically, then grabs Elixir's wrist and drags him into his room. "Talk. Now."

Foley makes an irritated noise as Julian closes the door. "Could I maybe get a shower and a change of clothes first?" He shakes drywall dust out of his hair.

"No," says Julian firmly. "I'm barricading you in here until we're done."

"I'm using your shower then," Josh decides.

"No! Would you--whatever--just--"

Foley has already shaken out of Julian's grip and gotten into the bathroom. He puts the Mewtwo card on the sink and glances at Julian. "That's yours. You forgot it last night."

"You crushed it," Julian mutters, picking it up and cradling it in his hands in devastation.

Foley gets his shirt off and rolls his eyes. Blood is smeared down the perfectly whole, healthy expanse of his back. "Yeah, well, it's difficult to keep a gentle grip on your mint condition Mewtwo when you're being thrown through a wall."

"You caught me by surprise, and you know my tee kay is freaking out." Julian sits on the toilet grumpily. "No need to be an asshole."

"Right. _I'm_ the asshole. Super sorry about that." Julian is not expecting Josh to be going commando, so his planned time to look away is messed up and he gets an eyeful anyway. He turns pink, looks away, and rubs his face.

Foley climbs into the shower and turns it on. "So what's the deal with Miss Frost giving Rockslide of all people the only room with a shower? Like, how is that fair, even past the usual favoritism."

"Well, it used to be Brian and me. After--well, my choice of new roommates was--Santo was the only dude who knew my deal, so I picked him." Julian hates how his words stumble when he talks about this shit.

"Right. Your deal. Almost forgot about that in the course of being half-murdered."

"Well, the deal is what I brought you here for." Hellion's voice goes hard. "I'm telling you that you tell anyone and Miss Frost will make you believe you're a dog for the rest of your life. I'll put a collar on you and sic you on people and you'll spend half your life rolling in smelly shit."

"Collars, Julian, really?" Josh pulls back the shower curtain to grin at him and laughs when Hellion turns red.

"I mean it, though," Julian growls. "I hear anyone else finds out, I come after your fucking head."

"Relax," says Elixir, disappearing behind the curtain again. "I wouldn't even know where to start telling someone. All I got was a look so I don't technically know the whole deal anyway."

"Well, like I said last night," says Julian, crossing his arms uncomfortably. "I got born both ways, sort of. The doctors told my folks they had the choice which surgery to do, and they picked wrong."

"Is that why you have a problem with doctors? And me, too, I guess."

Julian sighs and stares at the curtain.

"Julian?"

"I'm trying to figure out if I should tell you."

The water squeaks off. "Might as well come clean," Josh says, stepping out onto the floor mat and towelling off his hair. The water drops on his body catch the light in the same places as his skin. He glistens. Julian looks away again and tries not to think about Josh using his body wash. "Can't get any worse than that, right?"

"It does, actually," Julian mumbles. Elixir looks at him expectantly. Julian figures the only way Foley is going to stop staring at him and put that towel where it counts is for him to start talking, so he does.

"It's supposed to be a health procedure--for people like me. It's because of the way everything is set up down there, they want--ah fuck I hate explaining--to keep it from being, you know, too shallow to use--"

"Oh my god."

"Shut up! Seriously, honestly, shut the hell up." Julian buries his head in his hands. "They have the metal rod type things, for exams, and they would. Stretch me. So I was deep enough. ...You know, for sex." He takes a deep breath. "With a dick."

Elixir stares at him, stunned.

"I know."

"Because you were--a girl?"

Julian covers his face and groans. "God, shut up, shut up, shut up. No, I was always a boy, my parents just tried to make me a girl." He hesitates. "Maybe I believed them for a little bit," he admits more quietly. "Shut up," he adds as a precaution.

Cogs turn in Josh's head as he slowly wipes himself down with the towel. "And they just lopped off your dick."

"I still have it," Julian mumbles. "They made it smaller. It's, uh. It's more of a clit. Wasn't a proper dick in the first place, really."

Elixir rubs the back of his neck. Julian knows Cessily well enough to know metallic blushing when he sees it. "So, uh. Why don't you have boobs?"

"Oh my fucking god."

"Well?" Josh cocks his head--wow that is a bad word to use for that action right now--tilts his head and rubs at his ear with the towel. It's fortunate they're talking about this, in a way, because Julian has an excuse for blushing like wild, too.

"Dude, I just--hormones. I take them in a pill since they cut off my, uh--yeah." He looks away awkwardly. "Girl hormones up til I was like twelve. Guy hormones now. They never grew in. God, this is embarrassing."

At long last, Josh wraps the towel around his waist. Julian lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. Josh takes a moment to consider Hellion, then asks, "Did you used to wear little dressies?"

"We are not talking about this."

"It's okay, I bet you were very pretty," Foley reassures him.

"Fuck you literally so hard," Julian says.

Josh picks up his shirt and shakes it out a bit. "So, can I borrow some clothes?"

"Hell no you may not."

Elixir scowls. "Oh, come on. You threw me through a wall, you jackass. There's dust and shit all over these. Not to mention my own fucking blood."

"Dude, I am not letting you walk out of here for everyone to see having just taken a shower in my room and wearing my goddamn clothes."

"Don't be a baby."

"Fuck you!" Julian crosses his arms. "Just go back to your room in those clothes and change."

"Fuck you back," Josh says, crossing his arms too. "I'll get dirty again."

"Persnickety bitch."

They glare at each other.

"Fine. I wasn't going to press the issue with the teachers of you nearly fucking killing me, but I will if you're going to be such a jackass."

"Miss Frost will side with me. She knows I'm sensitive about it."

"Oh yeah? So you're saying your vagina is a sensitive area?"

Julian looks at him, stunned. Before he can think of anything angry to say, he surprises himself and laughs. Josh cracks a grin. Julian laughs even harder, and then they're both laughing, and then they're cracking the fuck up.

"You're so full of shit, Foley," Julian says when it starts dying down, and play-punches Josh in the side.

"Yeah, I know." Josh runs his hand through his hair, smiling. Then his face goes pensive. "Sorry I couldn't heal that for you though. I mean, you know. Location issue."

Julian looks away. "Yeah. Shit's awkward." He folds his hands and leans forward reflectively. "Though I guess it really wouldn't work anyway. The surgical wound already healed up and everything. "

Elixir nods. He drapes his blood-soaked shirt over his arm, hangs up the towel, and bends fucking over, fuck, to pick up his pants. "Well, I should go change. Maybe I'll get out of classes today for nearly getting killed, huh?"

"Maybe me too," says Julian. "From having my dysphoria violently triggered."

"I don't even know what that means," says Josh. Julian's eyes trail to his golden fingers as he does up his jeans. "Good luck with that, though." He moves to leave, and Julian gets up and catches his wrist.

"Remember if you tell anyone I'll fucking kill you," he says without rancor.

Josh grins. "Collars first, though, right?"

"Yeah."

They look at each other, and Josh's smile drops. His eyes go to what can only be Julian's mouth and he leans in. Julian's heart stops. Inches from Julian's lips, in a low voice, Josh murmurs, "Okay. Bye."

"Bye," Julian whispers back.

Elixir slowly pulls away, and Julian feels an ache in his chest grow stronger the farther he slips away. Josh turns and goes out of the bathroom, unlocks the room door, and leaves.

Hellion stays right there until Santo sheepishly comes back in. When he asks if anything's wrong, Julian tells him that it's nothing, that he's sorry or whatever, and he's going to go fly. He leaves Santo standing confused in the spot where he had just been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Hope that wasn't too heavy despite the subject matter. Again, Josh wasn't the most sensitive person in the world there, but I wouldn't judge him too harshly. I think he was trying, and also some of the flippancy was almost a relief for Julian. Like joking about it made it less of a big deal, from one asshole to another. I mean, we know how much Julian hates to be pitied, right? 
> 
> What do you think? Everybody survive? Too scary? Let me know! I’ll be wringing my hands at the computer here waiting. o_o


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, I decided waiting that long for feedback was boring. Just do me a solid and leave comments on individual chapters if you have something to say about them, okay?
> 
> Kind of a breather chapter, I guess. I hope you like side relationships! I love these particular side relationships. :P
> 
> Only one warning (which feels good, man) and that’s for simplistic understanding of queerness. It was like 2005, cut them some slack.

"Cess," Julian says urgently come lunchtime, planting his hands on the table where she is sitting and playing with her food. "Can we talk?"

"Of course," Cessily says, gesturing to the seat across from her. "What's going on?"

Julian takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair. "Cess, you would never judge me, right?"

Instead of saying 'I judge you every day' like she usually does, she says, "Of course not." She holds out her cup. "Yogurt? I got cherry, your favorite."

"Give me a sex. Sec. Dammit. Look," he says in a rush, "I think I might be gay. Also would you be my roommate."

"You're not gay," says Cessily immediately.

Julian crumbles under her dismissal. "Cess, you can't just say--Cess, I--"

"You liked Sofia, right?"

"Well of course I did, but--"

"That makes you bisexual," she says matter-of-factly, gesturing with her spoon.

"Oh," he says, flatly. "Great."

"So." She puts her yogurt aside. "You're bisexual? Are you asking to room with me to stop yourself getting into Santo's pants?"

"No! God no. How would that even--Jesus. No. I'm asking to room with you because Santo's an irresponsible jackass who has no respect for privacy or sensitive issues. Hence me throwing him through a wall. Didn't you hear about that?"

"Ah. I thought that was just your tee kay bugging out again." She twirls a lock of hair around her finger, looking at Julian closely. Her expression is just a thoughtfully munched pencil away from the way she looks at an interesting essay prompt for a book she likes.

"We should room together," she decides. "It would be like a sleepover every day. We could get some really good pillows for fighting, and some music for dance parties. Will Miss Frost be able to bend the no co-ed rule?"

"For the teachers, yeah, if she talks to Summers slowly with no big words. It's the other kids getting mad that's the--we're missing the point."

"Point?" Cess asks, finger twirling her hair again, thinking about pillows.

"I'm into dudes now."

"Right." She leans over the table. "Which ones? Tell me all about it."

"This isn't surprising to you or anything?" Julian asks desperately.

"Not really," she says thoughtfully. "I've been bi for two years now. You kind of strike me as the type."

"Great. Now I've got gaydars to worry about," Julian groans.

"Seriously though, which boys?" Mercury asks, propping her chin in one hand. Julian hedges, so she adds, "Pleeeeease?"

"Don't look at me like that, Cess," he complains, shielding himself with his hand from her puppy dog eyes.

"This is me looking at you like thaaaat," she sings.

Julian looks around to make sure no one's listening, then gestures for her to lean in. He closes his eyes and admits, "Joshua fucking Foley, all right?"

"Oh my god, _Julian_." Cessily covers her mouth. "That is so like you."

"What?!" Julian leans back out. "Shut up, no it's not!"

"It completely is!" To his horror, she starts giggling. "You keep antagonizing everyone you have chemistry with, and then you get these sexually-charged rivalries--"

"No. Oh my god, no."

"--I totally see it now, Noriko and Sofia but also Josh and David--"

"Alleyne?! No, you are _not_ serious. Nooo way. You are going off the rails here." He grabs her wrist to try to make her stop but she just shapeshifts out of his grip, still laughing.

"You're always saying Josh and David have a thing too, what if all three of you--"

"That is not on the plate here!" Julian half-shouts, his face burning. "Would you stop and let me explain what happened?"

This, finally, is too enticing for Cessily to pass up. She stops laughing and leans in. "Ooh, really? Start with the thing yesterday."

He tells her the whole story, and when he's done, Cessily claps her hands. "That's it! I've decided. I want you two to get together."

"I'm glad I have your support, I guess?"

"Is that what you want?" She leans over to him, wide-eyed. "To get together?"

"I don't know. Maybe." He takes the spoon from her yogurt and shoves it into his mouth. "I really want to make out with him," he admits.

"Perfect! You just need to find him and hold him down and kiss him," Cessily declares. "That's your homework."

Julian shakes his head in amusement. "Sure, Cess. I'll get right on that."

Cessily looks up and Julian follows her gaze. Santo, classically having forgotten anything was ever wrong, arrives at the table toting a chair big enough for himself and drops down between them.

"What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," Julian says quickly.

Cessily smiles. "Nothing at all, Santo. How are you?"

\---

Tracking Elixir down to kiss him is easier said than done. Josh has started avoiding Julian. Aggressively. He leaves at the speed of light from classes they share. He avoids eye contact. He stops doing things alone, and starts spending all his time talking to other people.

Once, Julian gives up on catching him alone and flat-out asks to talk to him in private when he's in a group (Santo 'ooh's and Vic joins in, the traitors). Foley says he's busy and holds up a game controller. Julian unblinkingly says he's willing to wait a game, but Alani says it'll be longer than that the way Josh is winning.

Then Josh says, "What has you so determined to get me alone anyway? Can't you say whatever you need to in front of everyone else?" and Julian is forced to back down. The scumbag knows what he's doing.

After the fifth day solid of cold shoulders, Julian gets discouraged. Cessily is dismayed, but Julian tells her Josh is sending him a message clear enough that he should just stop.

"It's not like you to just give up because someone isn't as responsive as you want," she says in concern. "That's why you get all the rivalries. You keep pushing."

"Well, maybe it's easier to push when someone pushes back instead of avoiding me completely," Julian tells her bitterly.

So he gives up. Soon Foley starts giving Julian Looks from across the room. Julian meets them for a moment and then looks away. Elixir has no business being that inscrutable and maybe sort of wistful-looking when he's the damn one running away so hard.

After the second week the first to break is neither of them; it's Alleyne.

He shows up and puts his hands on his hips. "What is going on with you and Josh?"

"Why don't you ask him?"

"Because you swore him to silence," Prodigy says evenly.

Fair enough. "Well, I can't tell you what's going on with _him_ other than that he's avoiding me like a gazelle in a herd trying not to straggle so a cougar can't get it alone."

"A cougar would have a hard time getting a gazelle alone," Alleyne agrees, "because it only lives in the Americas. Gazelles are Africa and South Asia."

"Oh my god, I'm going to give you a telekinetic wedgie."

"That one's a side effect of growing up on Animal Planet," David dismisses. "Although we could talk about why you picked gazelles, known for grace and beauty, and cougars, associated with sexual predation."

Julian hopes Alleyne never picked up how to see through a poker face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't know anything," Prodigy continues as if he hadn't spoken, "but my hunches are pretty good." He sits down across from Julian, which Julian emphatically did not give him permission to do. "All I'm saying is Josh won't shut up about how much you piss him off by doing anything at all, and he never cared that much when he was letting you within five feet." He crosses his arms and drums his fingers on his biceps. "Also, you keep Looking at each other. You'll start a fire soon."

"So what do you want, Alleyne?"

David considers. He looks at Julian and rubs his chin. "I don't know. Probably for you two to get something sorted out. Maybe some light shed for me on what the hell happened, so I can approach Josh better about it."

"Approach Josh? Like, get him to stop being a cagey jackass?"

"See, it's a win-win," says David calmly.

Julian leans back in his seat and appraises Prodigy. "Foley has dirt on me," he says finally. "That's why he's sworn to silence."

"And he agreed to that."

"It was a specific type of dirt." Julian looks at the ceiling and tips back on the back two legs of his chair. "The kind you don't want to spread."

"Hm."

"Don't you give me that."

"Give you what?"

"That 'hm' thing like you're Sherlock Holmes and you've already figured it out but you're going to fuck around for twenty more pages so it's a halfway decent story." Julian snaps all fours back onto the floor, and then immediately tilts back again.

"I haven't figured out anything," David says, and when Julian glares at him, he adds, "not about whatever your secret is. Though really, it could be anything, and I could come up with quite a few things that might be true about you that you would hide--"

"You're doing it again."

Alleyne stares at him. "Sorry," he says flatly, like he's not sorry at all and a little annoyed in fact.

"Well, I'm not telling you jack," Hellion concludes, "so is that enough information to talk to Foley or what?"

"Confirmation that something romantic in nature happened would be helpful."

Julian stares at him.

"Being a bad liar with a worse poker face works too," says David. He stands up and brushes his hands off. "I'll see what I can do."

"Wait," says Julian. "You're going to help me? So you two aren't--? You're not--?"

Alleyne just does the sharp exhale laugh thing and says, "You know nothing, Julian Keller." Then he takes off, just like that. 

Julian watches him go and desperately hopes he won't regret this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you, but the thing that gets me is that in Julian's mind almost kissing a dude=incredibly gay, but 'oh god he's using my body wash mayday mayday' is just a normal thought that goes through the mind of the heterosexual male.
> 
> Also, now that I look at this, I might sometime have to write Josh and David's side of the story. What do you think?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes! Last chapter! Sorry the chapter break was in kind of a weird place, but you have to break sometime.
> 
> Warning for injuries, again, pretty bad this time. Also addled POV, so derealization/depersonalization warning for that just in case. And repetition, lots of it.

Prodigy must be magic, because the very next day Josh comes over with his damn tail between his legs. Julian is just glad he didn't have to get himself hurt to make this happen.

Josh doesn't say anything at first. He just catches up to Julian in the hall after class, grabs his shoulder and says, "Hey, Julian, wait up."

When Julian turns around, Foley shoves his hands in his pockets and looks hunted. "So, uh." Hellion has no plans to make it easier for him. He looks him up and down in smug amusement.

Josh figures out he'll have to talk more to get anything, so he starts with, "David talked to me."

"Talked to me too. Anything interesting?"

Elixir crosses his arms. "Well, he talked me into coming here."

"How's that working out for you?"

"Come on, Julian," he says irritably.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I being difficult to talk to?" Hellion drawls. "My bad."

"Holy fuck," Josh says, uncrossing his arms again. "I'm not gonna do this."

"So you want to talk now, huh?" Julian says to stop him before he can quit entirely. "Have a nice chat about your fluttery feelings?" He hadn't meant to say that part, but he couldn't resist. Dammit, he needs to turn the antagonism off.

"Fuck you. And I _thought_ that was what you wanted," Foley says through gritted teeth. His arms are like gold-lit lava lamps with black spots gooping across them.

Well, yeah, kinda, but hell if Julian's going to say it here to his face. "Maybe less talking about feelings and more not avoiding me like"--a gazelle--"the plague."

Josh shuffles his feet agitatedly. "So you don't want to talk."

What can Julian say? He just shrugs.

"Okay," says Elixir. "Okay, I'm just going to go kill David now, then."

"Wait," says Julian. Josh looks at him, and he has to swallow some of his pride because he needs to know. "What's the deal with the...?" He makes a confidential sort of gesture.

Josh looks at him some more and his eyes harden. The black of his skin spills like ink up into his face. "Look, it didn't mean anything, okay? Forget it." Julian's stomach drops. There's a pause. Josh tosses his head like a horse. "Are we done here?"

"You still won't--? Only if you still don't tell anyone about the deal."

Foley stares at him. "I'm not as much of an asshole as you think I am, Julian."

Julian stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Fine. You can go then."

He watches Josh leave with a twist in his stomach at the knowledge that this is his fault. He kept acting like an asshole, and if there was any sincere emotion to be had, he made it clear that he was going to mock it to death or something. He made it fucking unsafe to talk. He's a fucking idiot who can't play nice even if he wants to.

He needs to get out of here. He tries not to notice Josh look at him as he shoulders past on his way out of the school.   
Julian walks out into the night. It's too damn cold to fly like he wanted to, but hell if he's turning back to get a coat. He decides to just walk to the pond with the skip rocks. Rather out of the way, but at least he can practice some telekinesis there. And if something blows up, well, his powers are a little unstable is all.

Julian does try skipping rocks. First he bends to pick them up and throws them, then he lifts them to his hand with telekinesis and throws them, then he just puts his hands in his pockets and chucks rocks at the water with his mind.

It's an exercise in force. He throws them too hard, and then too softly, and then too hard again. A few of them explode. He tries catching them before they sink underwater and then throwing them again.

Hellion decides he hates fine control practices. He tugs at the branches of trees until they creak. He breaks them off by accident, and then on purpose. He tries pulling a tree out of the ground by its roots just to feel the strain, then accidentally succeeds.

He picks up the biggest rock he can find, wrestles it out of the ground. It's longer than he is tall. It's the first thing that's actually felt like proper work since he had his boundaries expanded. Julian relishes the strain on his powers and his body. Then, he feels what's about to happen a split second before it does.

The boulder explodes.

Julian sharply turns away, but shrapnel gives him a slice low on his stomach as he's still turning. He falls to his hands and knees, and then onto his side among the rocks. Rubble rains down around him. A fist-sized rock knocks him in the shoulder-- _You have telekinesis! Shield yourself, you stupid fuck!_

He keeps himself safe until the rain stops, then swipes all the debris off his shields and drops them. He groans and doesn't quite manage to roll over. His stomach hurts like fuck. Hellion's fingers stumble at the hole torn in his shirt. He feels the wound to see how deep it goes and his fingertips make contact with a squishy wet thing inside the gash. Oh. Oh, fuck.

Julian tightens his fingers on the wound to hold everything together and rolls up to his knees. Blood oozes out over his hand. He's dizzy, not from blood loss yet he thinks, but from panic.

He takes off his shirt and ties it tight around the wound and watches the shirt soak with blood. He can't risk flying back, because it's too cold and he might jostle himself too bad and make everything come spilling out. His stomach churns.

Julian realises that if he doesn't get back soon enough, he will probably die out here.

He staggers to his feet and starts walking. He thinks _SOS_ as loudly as he can in case anyone's listening. He has to catch himself on a tree when he staggers; when he moves his hand he sees a bloody handprint. He closes his eyes and reaches out with his mind until he finds a sizeable stick on the ground he can use to support himself, and lifts it to his hand.

 _SOS_ , he keeps thinking as he stabs at the ground and drags himself forward. _SOS_.

He can see the school from here, at least. It helps that it's so damn big. But each step is a struggle, and his stomach seriously does not appreciate the way walking moves it.

_I'm an idiot. SOS. I'm an idiot just need to get there help me help me._

Julian walks along the outside of the trees. He's getting so tired. He has to keep moving but oh, he's so tired. He just wants to take a nap. It's hard to focus his eyes, so things are blurry. Damn, why does his stomach hurt so much? Have to keep walking.

He continues walking for what seems like hours. The mansion doesn't seem to get any closer. Is he walking in a straight line? Maybe he should take a nap and start navigation again in the morning when he'll be rested and clear-headed. _SOS_ , he thinks, and then wonders why.

Julian stumbles and crashes to his hands and knees. Something lurches in his stomach, slips a little out of place. It hurts. _Should have caught yourself_ , he thinks, then, _How would I have done that?_ He looks at the big house and wonders if it's warm there. It's so cold out here. The house reminds him of home. He wants to go there. He gets his stick to pull himself up but his hand is wet from blood so it slips. SOS?

Julian is so tired, and his vision is so unclear. Maybe he should just... if you're lost the thing to do is wait for someone to find you, right? Maybe he's just lost. He curls up on the ground to wait.

Sure enough, he eventually hears a voice, somewhat panicked. "Hey, are you hurt?"

Yes, Julian is hurt, he thinks. He croaks, "SOS," which he is not sure makes sense as a response. Actually, he is not even sure he remembers what it means, only that it's important to say.

"It's okay, I'm a--Julian? Julian!"

Julian looks up, and everything is still blurry, but he sees a gold man running at him. Something in his brain goes 'Josh', and he--he wants--Josh is going to touch him, and that's going to be bad. He can't let that happen.

"Don't you touch me," Julian slurs as Josh drops to his knees beside him.

"Julian, oh god, you're bleeding."

"Mean it, Josh, you geddoff me or I'll--"

"I'll fix you," Josh says passionately. Julian pushes away his hands as Josh tries to lay them on him. "It's going to be okay, I'll fix you, just let me--"

"No, I wont let you, because fuck you!" Julian gets incensed through his fog. He fights Josh's grabbing hands--there seem to be millions of them. "Fuck you, fuck you, don't touch me--"

"Julian, you've lost so much blood, we really don't have time for this--"

"Never gonna let you touch me," Julian cries. He tries to bite Josh's hand when it comes close to his mouth. "Nevereverever!"

"Julian. Wait."

Josh's hands stop reaching for Julian's stomach and instead go to his shoulders and hold him still. Hellion continues batting at Josh's arms and chest until Josh's hand slips to Julian's cheek to steady him and he joins their lips.

All the fight goes out of Julian immediately. He doesn't quite react for a moment, but then his shaky, weak hand goes somewhere near Josh's face or neck to hold himself there as he kisses back as best he can. Josh's arm goes around his waist and he pulls Julian almost into his lap. Julian leans into him, grateful of the support. He feels his own fingers skid across skin somewhere--he digs his hand under Josh's shirt to chase the warmth. Elixir's fingers loosen the knot of Hellion's shirt around his middle, and he can feel the texture of Josh's tongue--

Hands press against Julian's stomach where the pain is, they're gentle but they're firm. He gasps, torn between the urge to pull away and the desire to press closer. Their lips come unfastened. Pleasure works its way into Julian's abdomen. He whines blissfully, definitely pressing into it now, crushing Elixir's hand between them as he rubs up against him.

"Whoa, Julian," says Josh, working his hand out from the area of friction. His eyes are wide. "Whoa."

Julian comes to his senses, grinding up on Josh like his life depends on it on the ground in the freezing cold. He blinks, then shivers, then his eyes focus on Josh's face. He can't see him blush, so he puts the back of his hand on his cheek, then grins a little. "Oh my. You're burning up."

"Well yeah, given that you were just like--fuck." Josh shifts uncomfortably, goes to cross his legs but stops the movement halfway through--Julian is basically on his lap anyway. "I just wanted to distract you." He shakes his head, then puts his hand on Julian's cheek in return. "Are you okay? Better now?"

"Still a little woozy," Julian admits.

"Sorry. I do my best to fix the blood loss. You should be okay now, just drink a lot of orange juice and uh--you probably won't eat leafy greens--meat then. For iron."

"So, can I borrow your coat?" Julian asks. He drapes his blood-soaked shirt over his arm. "It's cold as fuck out here."

"You should have gotten a fucking jacket," says Josh, nonetheless taking off his coat and wrapping it over Julian's shoulders. "I got a jacket before I came out here."

"Came out here to look for me?" Julian frowns at him as he zips up the coat and stuffs his hands in the pockets. He slides out of Josh's lap onto the ground and stuffs his shirt carelessly into his jeans pocket.

"Well, I saw where you went out, and I grabbed my coat. I was just gonna see if you were doing tee kay stuff or something." Josh rubs at his arms to warm them up.

"And see if I was okay," Julian infers.

"In my defense, it turns out you weren't."

Julian looks at Josh. "It occurs to me that we may be fucking idiots."

"It's a distinct possibility," Josh agrees after a moment.

Julian sighs and uses his stick to pull himself to his feet. He offers Josh a hand up, and Josh takes it, then doesn't let go once he's up. They look at each other.

"So. This."

"Yeah."

A moment of silence.

"I was an idiot," Julian admits all in a rush. "We can talk feelings if you want."

"I lied," Josh says at the same time, clasping his hand tighter. "I think it did mean something, well obviously it did, but I don't know what. Didn't know. Fuck. Sorry."

"You should kiss me," says Julian, abandoning his stick.

Elixir does. He pulls Julian close with one arm around his waist, and keeps him steady with one hand on his cheek. Kissing back is like the first breath after being underwater for too long. Maybe they cling a little more tightly to each other than they should; maybe they kiss a little too long before breaking for air.

Julian's hand is fisted in Josh's shirt. He nuzzles into his shoulder. "We should go back," he says against Elixir's skin, making him shiver. "It seriously is way cold out here."

"Yeah." Josh's breath hitches when Julian's tongue finds his neck. "Oh shit."

"And you"--Julian grazes his teeth on Josh's skin, at which he jerks--"should carry me."

"Yeah," Josh breathes, clutching onto Julian for dear life. "I mean, Jesus, hell no. You've got two legs."

"If you carry me I can do this the whole way there," Julian reminds him, and swirls his tongue just to make his point.

"I would probably fuck you before we got there," Josh admits.

Julian stops. "Ah." He shrinks back somewhat. "Maybe better not then."

Josh looks at him in surprise, and then with a complicated emotion in his eyes. "Yeah. Better not."

Julian takes a step back and shoves his hands in Josh's coat pockets again, and starts walking. Josh falls into step.

They're almost upon the school when Julian finally says, "What if I have a stupid question?"

"I probably have a stupid answer," Josh replies.

Julian looks up at the top windows of the school. "Do you just want to make out with me because you think I'm a girl now?"

Josh blinks in surprise. "Oh. What? No, I don't. I mean, no, that's not the reason, and also, I don't think that."

Julian looks at him with his arms crossed tight over his chest. His eyes are wide and maybe a little vulnerable.

Josh figures he should continue. "I want to make out with you because. You're an asshole. And there's something about--you're something that I can't even--I like you, I guess."

Julian looks at him for a while, and then nods. He puts his hands back in the coat's pockets and watches shadows in the windows. "I guess I like you too."

Josh digs in his coat pocket for Julian's hand, then pulls it out to hold it. Julian fails to fight back a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they went to the science classroom and made out in the radiation shower, until they accidentally turned it on and both got soaked. TRUE CANON EPILOGUE.
> 
> So, what do you think? Good read? Sequel, y/n/y? Let me know!


End file.
